Anesthesia

Is numbness a feeling?

It’s a kind of tingling sensation

Sometimes when it’s cold,

Or when I haven’t moved in so long,

Or when feverish electricity envelopes the nerve,

I feel numb

This anesthesia usually hits extremities first

The fingers, toes, sometimes a leg, an arm

The feeling spreads like blood through veins

Even though it comes from its absence

Sometimes the sensation even crawls to my chest,

But how chilly does it have to be to freeze what’s inside

Toss, turn and flip the pillow

It can be pretty sleepless

It could be a blunt blow, but other times it might be barbed

It’s a feeling that I don’t like, but can’t help but go back to

When I know it’s coming, but I do the thing anyways

I won’t like the answer so why do I ask the question?

Because I guess I gotta know

I gotta know for myself, and maybe I like the cold

And I never knew it

There isn’t a part of me that hasn’t felt numb

Except for one, and that’s my brain

Maybe it’s all the neurons and nerve cells that will always feel

Maybe because it’s active and firing and never slows down

Maybe it’s because the part of me that processes numbness can’t be numb

Otherwise, maybe I would never be numb, and then I might just hurt

It can weigh heavily, like an anchor the keeps me from crashing against rocks

I recognize it as a form of protection

It’s a distance

with binoculars that shows exactly what I don’t want to know

Is it comfortable? No

Is it valuable? I think so

Do I have a choice? I don’t think so

But there was a period where I remember that feeling was much more rare

I can’t wait until I’m there again

Where touch feels like hands and my blood is warm once again